So, I finally lowered my expectations regarding weight loss goals... at least on MFP. The app has this goal setter that allows you to choose how much weight you want to lose per week. Naturally, I set it to the highest it would go: -2 lbs per week, because I thought my body could handle it.
Truth is, my body totally could handle eating 1800 calories a day. If I ate all the right things, I would not starve or even be hungry much. BUT I'm not doing that. I'm eating fairly healthy things in large portions, and occasionally stuffing my face with junk. I thought I could keep myself accountable by entering everything I ate. When I reached my daily calorie limit, I rolled eaten calories over onto the next day, hoping to make up the difference with exercise/restricted eating. The reality? I've been going into each day with a decreasing number of calories, because of the debt that is accumulating. The exercise makes me hungry, and I end up eating more calories.
It's a vicious cycle, as you can see. So what can I do? For starters, I told MFP I want to lose 1 lb per week. My new calorie limit seems more manageable. And I have decided that I will not enter any exercise I do, so I will not receive "extra calories". Instead, all of that will go into the deficit bank, which will hopefully translate to weight loss.
What are your thoughts on these lowered expectations? Am I just giving in to my own desires? Or am I being realistic?
PS: I contacted the dance team regarding their invitation... We'll see!
Showing posts with label goals. Show all posts
Showing posts with label goals. Show all posts
Friday, January 27, 2012
Saturday, January 21, 2012
lost and found
I finally found it. The thing I've been looking for since chapter one of Made to Crave: my want-to, my reason for getting healthy and not eating "veggie" chips by the pound. I thought my want-to would be something huge like a marathon or profound like a 40 day fast, so maybe that's why I missed it the first time around.
It's really quite simple: He has asked me to dance. More like, He continually asks me, usually during worship at church. I wave my arms but that's as far as I'll go. Anything else is outside of the comfort zone and into the only-skinny-girls-can-do-that zone.
Now it's 2am and I'm wide awake because He asked me to dance and for the first time I said yes. I started Gungor's "This is not the end" and began flailing wildly around my room. In doing that, my want-to began to stir.
Dancing at this weight is, well, tough. And God wants it to be natural and comfortable and beautiful, like He created it. He wants ME to be natural and comfortable and beautiful in my own skin, like He created ME.
A month or two ago I was asked to join the dance team at church and I turned it down while laughing out loud. But now I think maybe that was my Savior asking in a different voice.
Yes, Lord, I want to dance with You. Never stop asking.
It's really quite simple: He has asked me to dance. More like, He continually asks me, usually during worship at church. I wave my arms but that's as far as I'll go. Anything else is outside of the comfort zone and into the only-skinny-girls-can-do-that zone.
Now it's 2am and I'm wide awake because He asked me to dance and for the first time I said yes. I started Gungor's "This is not the end" and began flailing wildly around my room. In doing that, my want-to began to stir.
Dancing at this weight is, well, tough. And God wants it to be natural and comfortable and beautiful, like He created it. He wants ME to be natural and comfortable and beautiful in my own skin, like He created ME.
A month or two ago I was asked to join the dance team at church and I turned it down while laughing out loud. But now I think maybe that was my Savior asking in a different voice.
Yes, Lord, I want to dance with You. Never stop asking.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
traditions, tracking, and trying
The holidays have drawn to a close with the dawn of 2012, and I wanted to reflect on traditions a little. I have attended a particular New Year's party three out of the past four years, and they have a fascinating tradition called the "Throwing of the Eggs". This involves a couple dozen eggs, several sharpie markers, and thoughtful reflection from the party guests. Each attendee chooses something they want to leave behind going into the new year, scrawls it on an egg, and lobs it at a trashcan lid nailed to a tree. Writing the names of spouses is strongly discouraged.
I cannot express how much I love this tradition. I have been making resolutions for years, and they always go out the window by February, sometimes even by January 2nd. Somehow, though, the egg throwing does it for me. I think and prayerfully consider before I choose my item(s), and then the act of throwing it at a tree somehow seals it. When later I am faced with that particular thing, be it a struggle or temptation, I literally think "BUT I WROTE THAT ON THE EGG!" and it works. That memory is enough.
This year I wrote two difficult items and one easy one. My easy one was "alcohol" because it's doctor's orders and I don't like it all that much anyway. My difficult ones were comfort eating and backbiting. These two might be the most difficult ones I have ever attempted.
For example, its been eight days, and I lost count of how many times I have faced backbiting. It's everywhere, especially in an all-female workplace. In making an effort not to participate/initiate, I am that much more aware of how much it happens! This is going to be a tough one.
The comfort eating one will also be interesting. I am excited to leave behind my unhealthy eating response to unhappy events. However, I have already caught myself saying "I'm not upset so this Rice Krispie orgy doesn't count as comfort eating." And what about period binges? Is it comfort eating when I use chocolate to quell the raging menstrual beast? Try telling that to my uterus.
Honestly, I think the resolution would work if I were tracking, but lately I haven't been. I balk every time I look at the myfitnesspal app. I can't explain why, but the feelings are a mixture of hopelessness and frustration. I am beginning to suspect more and more that mfp is not really helping my eating habits, because I still make unhealthy choices and be within my calorie range (though I'm often not). That's not the app's fault, though; it's mine. Ultimately, the choices are still mine, regardless of whether I track.
So I just pawed through my stack of books and found Made to Crave. I might as well begin at the beginning again.
I cannot express how much I love this tradition. I have been making resolutions for years, and they always go out the window by February, sometimes even by January 2nd. Somehow, though, the egg throwing does it for me. I think and prayerfully consider before I choose my item(s), and then the act of throwing it at a tree somehow seals it. When later I am faced with that particular thing, be it a struggle or temptation, I literally think "BUT I WROTE THAT ON THE EGG!" and it works. That memory is enough.
This year I wrote two difficult items and one easy one. My easy one was "alcohol" because it's doctor's orders and I don't like it all that much anyway. My difficult ones were comfort eating and backbiting. These two might be the most difficult ones I have ever attempted.
For example, its been eight days, and I lost count of how many times I have faced backbiting. It's everywhere, especially in an all-female workplace. In making an effort not to participate/initiate, I am that much more aware of how much it happens! This is going to be a tough one.
The comfort eating one will also be interesting. I am excited to leave behind my unhealthy eating response to unhappy events. However, I have already caught myself saying "I'm not upset so this Rice Krispie orgy doesn't count as comfort eating." And what about period binges? Is it comfort eating when I use chocolate to quell the raging menstrual beast? Try telling that to my uterus.
Honestly, I think the resolution would work if I were tracking, but lately I haven't been. I balk every time I look at the myfitnesspal app. I can't explain why, but the feelings are a mixture of hopelessness and frustration. I am beginning to suspect more and more that mfp is not really helping my eating habits, because I still make unhealthy choices and be within my calorie range (though I'm often not). That's not the app's fault, though; it's mine. Ultimately, the choices are still mine, regardless of whether I track.
So I just pawed through my stack of books and found Made to Crave. I might as well begin at the beginning again.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
the trials of tracking
I never thought I would say this, but I feel like tracking sometimes actually makes me eat more than I would in certain situations. I have this weird aversion to leaving calories uneaten... like I am somehow depriving myself if I don't consume them, even if I'm truly not hungry. I need to find a way to reframe this in my mind so that I don't eat when I am not hungry regardless of my calorie balance. I also find myself eating more fat than I would if I weren't tracking, because I look for the calories and sometimes forget to look at that number. This is probably why WW is better, but MFP is free...
In talking with my mentor, I've come to the conclusion that my ultimate goal should not be a number but rather emancipation from numbers. Eventually, I would like to be able to know naturally what I should/should not eat, and listen to the Lord's leadings for those "permissible but not necessarily beneficial" foods. I don't want to count calories forever! But right now I *need* to take note of the excesses (carb/sugar/sodium/fat) and deficits (protein/vegetable) so I can begin to adopt better eating habits. I also need to learn to be accountable for the things I eat by exercising to compensate for overages. There are no freebies. Yet I need to remember that I can't do this on my own and that to walk (sometimes literally) in shame and regret is not helpful. With the consequences also comes grace if I am willing to accept it.
Please pray that God's still small voice would begin to speak louder than the cravings or inklings that I "deserve" certain treats, especially in cases where I technically have enough calories to eat them!
In talking with my mentor, I've come to the conclusion that my ultimate goal should not be a number but rather emancipation from numbers. Eventually, I would like to be able to know naturally what I should/should not eat, and listen to the Lord's leadings for those "permissible but not necessarily beneficial" foods. I don't want to count calories forever! But right now I *need* to take note of the excesses (carb/sugar/sodium/fat) and deficits (protein/vegetable) so I can begin to adopt better eating habits. I also need to learn to be accountable for the things I eat by exercising to compensate for overages. There are no freebies. Yet I need to remember that I can't do this on my own and that to walk (sometimes literally) in shame and regret is not helpful. With the consequences also comes grace if I am willing to accept it.
Please pray that God's still small voice would begin to speak louder than the cravings or inklings that I "deserve" certain treats, especially in cases where I technically have enough calories to eat them!
Saturday, September 10, 2011
sweets & magic numbers
So I made a bet with a friend that I could give up sweets if she could give up chips for one month. This occurred after I ate two cupcakes AND two pieces of pizza in a span of maybe 30 minutes... I agreed to the bet without much thought, because I don't think of myself as a major sweets-eater.
Boy, was I wrong! I am realizing that I crave sweets... After every meal, after eating something salty, I start to think about sweet things. It's not necessarily chocolate or cupcakes, but anything that hits that taste sense! It could even be PB&J (PB is a whole other category of craving... let's just say it is *banned* from this house). Luckily, we have a lot of fruit and yogurt, which are exempt from my sweets restriction. Nonetheless, I did stare at a jar of jam for a good five minutes tonight, debating where it would fall on the food pyramid. I said "If it has High Fructose Corn Syrup (HCFS) in in, it counts as sugar and I will not have any." I looked at the label, and sure enough: the second ingredient was HCFS. Come on, Smuckers! Throw me a bone! I will admit, though, I took a little taste anyway... I think maybe it fermented during the hurricane power outage.
It's interesting that this bet is coming after I publicly declared I would lose 10% of my body weight by December 15. A few friends committed to attempt the same. So far, we've all said "LET'S DO IT!" but I'm not sure how many of us have actually started to do anything. I did a bit more exercise this week than I have been doing (certainly not the three miles every morning I USED to do), and also I have tried to start playing Just Dance 2 every day on the Wii (great arm workout!). But my eating... still just as disordered.
Maybe that's what led me to watch an episode of My (Extra)ordinary Family on ABC, featuring people who have food issues: anorexics as well as overeaters. It was interesting how interrelated these two conditions were when you really look at them. Control and fear play major parts. However, the thing that struck me most was the treatment for these folks: a 12 Step program similar to AA. So I wondered what those twelve steps might be. Overeaters Anonymous uses this list:
---
Umm, wow! Talk about serious, deep stuff. So deep that I am stepping back to think: how much do I want this? Magic numbers are so much easier-- ten percent of my weight, a size twelve (which will take MUCH more than a 10% loss, incidentally), a BMI that ranks me as JUST overweight and not any other horrifying term (morbidly what??). BUT who am I kidding? There is nothing magic about numbers. Reaching any of those goals won't make me happy or satisfied. BUT falling into His arms, as described by the 12 magic-free steps above, just might finally stop the craving.
Boy, was I wrong! I am realizing that I crave sweets... After every meal, after eating something salty, I start to think about sweet things. It's not necessarily chocolate or cupcakes, but anything that hits that taste sense! It could even be PB&J (PB is a whole other category of craving... let's just say it is *banned* from this house). Luckily, we have a lot of fruit and yogurt, which are exempt from my sweets restriction. Nonetheless, I did stare at a jar of jam for a good five minutes tonight, debating where it would fall on the food pyramid. I said "If it has High Fructose Corn Syrup (HCFS) in in, it counts as sugar and I will not have any." I looked at the label, and sure enough: the second ingredient was HCFS. Come on, Smuckers! Throw me a bone! I will admit, though, I took a little taste anyway... I think maybe it fermented during the hurricane power outage.
It's interesting that this bet is coming after I publicly declared I would lose 10% of my body weight by December 15. A few friends committed to attempt the same. So far, we've all said "LET'S DO IT!" but I'm not sure how many of us have actually started to do anything. I did a bit more exercise this week than I have been doing (certainly not the three miles every morning I USED to do), and also I have tried to start playing Just Dance 2 every day on the Wii (great arm workout!). But my eating... still just as disordered.
Maybe that's what led me to watch an episode of My (Extra)ordinary Family on ABC, featuring people who have food issues: anorexics as well as overeaters. It was interesting how interrelated these two conditions were when you really look at them. Control and fear play major parts. However, the thing that struck me most was the treatment for these folks: a 12 Step program similar to AA. So I wondered what those twelve steps might be. Overeaters Anonymous uses this list:
---
1. We admitted we were powerless over food — that our lives had become unmanageable.---
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Umm, wow! Talk about serious, deep stuff. So deep that I am stepping back to think: how much do I want this? Magic numbers are so much easier-- ten percent of my weight, a size twelve (which will take MUCH more than a 10% loss, incidentally), a BMI that ranks me as JUST overweight and not any other horrifying term (morbidly what??). BUT who am I kidding? There is nothing magic about numbers. Reaching any of those goals won't make me happy or satisfied. BUT falling into His arms, as described by the 12 magic-free steps above, just might finally stop the craving.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
wagons and ladders
I am continually canonballing off the wagon these days. Each time I hit the chocolatey dirt, sink into the muffinous moss, or swim in the sugary sea, I lay there a little longer. I lounge in the post-binge haze until something alerts me- an unexpected reflection of the double chin, a slightly tighter pair of pants, an alarming number on the scale. I huff and puff and pull myself up, and begin crawling, staggering towards the wagon. But each time it seems a little farther away, and the journey more laborious.
A friend mentioned a book called Made to Crave, and I started to read it... three weeks ago. Until the part where she mentioned finding your "want-to". I probably read a few pages beyond that but I remember thinking "Hmm... I don't have a want to, really. Other than I don't want to literally suffocate to death in my own body." Then I stopped reading.
But now I am wondering if maybe that should be my want-to in and of itself. Maybe I should put pictures of my obese relatives on my fridge/cabinets/wallet to remind me that everything I put in my mouth is a step towards a healthier (happier?) future... or away from it.
My aunt is so heavy now that she can't sleep comfortably and is always fatigued. My uncle is slowly dying from congestive heart failure and insulin-dependent diabetes. My father used to be headed that way too, until bariatric surgery. But there is no easy way out- now he struggles with malnutrition, anemia, kidney stones, and a very restricted diet. And his relationship with food is still very disordered...
I hope this is my want-to. I need it to be my want-to because I can't think of anything else!
A friend mentioned a book called Made to Crave, and I started to read it... three weeks ago. Until the part where she mentioned finding your "want-to". I probably read a few pages beyond that but I remember thinking "Hmm... I don't have a want to, really. Other than I don't want to literally suffocate to death in my own body." Then I stopped reading.
But now I am wondering if maybe that should be my want-to in and of itself. Maybe I should put pictures of my obese relatives on my fridge/cabinets/wallet to remind me that everything I put in my mouth is a step towards a healthier (happier?) future... or away from it.
My aunt is so heavy now that she can't sleep comfortably and is always fatigued. My uncle is slowly dying from congestive heart failure and insulin-dependent diabetes. My father used to be headed that way too, until bariatric surgery. But there is no easy way out- now he struggles with malnutrition, anemia, kidney stones, and a very restricted diet. And his relationship with food is still very disordered...
I hope this is my want-to. I need it to be my want-to because I can't think of anything else!
Sunday, June 19, 2011
begin at the beginning
I've been inspired by a friend to start writing down my struggle. I don't know if it will help anyone, but I think it will help me to get clarity.
Let me start by saying that I have an addictive personality and a serious lack of self-discipline. I could go into theories about what could have caused these traits in me, but the blame-game and resulting victim mentality are actually kind of counterproductive. So instead, I will just talk about where I am, rather than try to figure out how I got here.
Some of my vices are obvious, some not so obvious. I love food. I especially like salty and sweet carbohydrates. I tend to binge on things like cereal, crackers, pretzels, cookies. When I lived with roommates, I just didn't buy that stuff. Occasionally I would lust after other people's carbs, but generally I kept my hands to myself. Once I added exercise into the mix, I started losing weight, and it felt good.
BUT now I am back living at home in the land of free-flowing carbohydrates... and I can't get enough. I've tried begging my parents not to buy that stuff but they keep saying "You just need to have self-control." So far, that's not working. I still exercise, so the overall effect on my weight is not very noticeable, but it is creeping back slowly. It's only a matter of time. Eating back every calorie I burn (and more!) is not only pointless, it's dangerous. If I stay at this size, the physical activity that stands between me and Jabba-hood will eventually get too hard for my joints. Exercise alone is not enough.
So what do I do? How do I stare down that box of wheat thins and say "You Don't Own Me!" when I really feel like they do? When I open the cupboard and see those colorful containers, I have a bodily reaction similar to that of an alcoholic surveying assorted bottles of booze. Food is a drug to me.
The addiction in and of itself is a problem, but the greater issue is that it stands between me and what God wants for me. I know He has big plans for me, plans which require me to be healthy. Yet I feel powerless against food!
So, that's where I am. Sigh.
Let me start by saying that I have an addictive personality and a serious lack of self-discipline. I could go into theories about what could have caused these traits in me, but the blame-game and resulting victim mentality are actually kind of counterproductive. So instead, I will just talk about where I am, rather than try to figure out how I got here.
Some of my vices are obvious, some not so obvious. I love food. I especially like salty and sweet carbohydrates. I tend to binge on things like cereal, crackers, pretzels, cookies. When I lived with roommates, I just didn't buy that stuff. Occasionally I would lust after other people's carbs, but generally I kept my hands to myself. Once I added exercise into the mix, I started losing weight, and it felt good.
BUT now I am back living at home in the land of free-flowing carbohydrates... and I can't get enough. I've tried begging my parents not to buy that stuff but they keep saying "You just need to have self-control." So far, that's not working. I still exercise, so the overall effect on my weight is not very noticeable, but it is creeping back slowly. It's only a matter of time. Eating back every calorie I burn (and more!) is not only pointless, it's dangerous. If I stay at this size, the physical activity that stands between me and Jabba-hood will eventually get too hard for my joints. Exercise alone is not enough.
So what do I do? How do I stare down that box of wheat thins and say "You Don't Own Me!" when I really feel like they do? When I open the cupboard and see those colorful containers, I have a bodily reaction similar to that of an alcoholic surveying assorted bottles of booze. Food is a drug to me.
The addiction in and of itself is a problem, but the greater issue is that it stands between me and what God wants for me. I know He has big plans for me, plans which require me to be healthy. Yet I feel powerless against food!
So, that's where I am. Sigh.
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