the trials of tracking

I never thought I would say this, but I feel like tracking sometimes actually makes me eat more than I would in certain situations. I have this weird aversion to leaving calories uneaten... like I am somehow depriving myself if I don't consume them, even if I'm truly not hungry. I need to find a way to reframe this in my mind so that I don't eat when I am not hungry regardless of my calorie balance. I also find myself eating more fat than I would if I weren't tracking, because I look for the calories and sometimes forget to look at that number. This is probably why WW is better, but MFP is free...

In talking with my mentor, I've come to the conclusion that my ultimate goal should not be a number but rather emancipation from numbers. Eventually, I would like to be able to know naturally what I should/should not eat, and listen to the Lord's leadings for those "permissible but not necessarily beneficial" foods. I don't want to count calories forever! But right now I *need* to take note of the excesses (carb/sugar/sodium/fat) and deficits (protein/vegetable) so I can begin to adopt better eating habits. I also need to learn to be accountable for the things I eat by exercising to compensate for overages. There are no freebies. Yet I need to remember that I can't do this on my own and that to walk (sometimes literally) in shame and regret is not helpful. With the consequences also comes grace if I am willing to accept it.

Please pray that God's still small voice would begin to speak louder than the cravings or inklings that I "deserve" certain treats, especially in cases where I technically have enough calories to eat them!

guilt free

So, church was amazing today. During worship I felt really light and free. It took me a minute to figure out what was different. Guess what it was? The guilt is GONE!

Today is day five of a new part of this journey. My brother texted me on Tuesday to invite me to join him in tracking our weightloss journeys on myfitnesspal.com. I already had an account from a previous attempt, so within minutes I was onboard, logging my calories, exercise, and weight.

I can't even explain the difference in just five days. Don't get me wrong- I haven't lost like 5 pounds or anything. The change is my attitude! The simple act of keeping track has thrown open the doors and invited me to enjoy food again. I don't feel guilt for what I eat, but I do PAY ATTENTION. If it's not worth the calories, I don't eat it! It's not rocket science, I know, but it is a major breakthrough nonetheless. Setting limits gives me freedom! Now where have I heard that principle before...?

I also watched Tangled last night for the first time, and was struck by the King waiting for his long lost daughter for EIGHTEEN years, sending multitudes of brilliant sky lanterns out each year on her birthday in the hopes that they would guide her home. Realizing that this is how God feels about ME almost brought me to tears. He so desperately wants me to leave these chains of addiction behind and run to Him!

This is the first Sunday in a long time where I have felt unchained. I stood with my heart lifted as the worship washed over me, with nothing held back from my Savior.

conviction

I feel like my conviction has kind of fled. I've been indulging quite a bit these past few days, and have felt little to no inkling of guilt. I know that guilt is not the same as conviction, but usually I get a little guilt before conviction swoops in.

So I'm a little worried that I'm not feeling either. Like maybe the Holy Spirit knows He is being ignored and so He's not wasting His breath. That scares me.

sleeping in the light

We who walk the broken ground
Who stand and who fall down again
Who just want to live
And we who wander in a dream
Who look but can’t see through the night
Sleeping in the light
We wait for you who spoke the morning
~Sarah Reeves "awaken"

These lyrics have struck a chord with me recently. My church often talks about being "awake" and living intentionally... I don't feel like I have been doing that as of late.

I'm not sure when I started falling back into old habits: living passively, letting things happen rather than being active in my own life, giving in to addiction(s) with little to no fight. But here I am, 3AM on a Sunday morning, reviewing the events of Saturday with more than a little regret. I have been awake for just over twelve hours, which means I slept until... well, you do the math. I ate, napped, and meandered around on the internet for a LONG time, making less than stellar choices about what I put into my brain and stomach.

And now I know that *if* I make it to church in less than seven hours, it will be with a seriously reduced capacity to pay attention... something I have chided others for fairly recently (sorry for the hypocrisy, you know who you are).

What am I doing?! I'm sleeping in the light. I've been lulled into complacency and fallen asleep. It's happened so slowly that I didn't even notice it. But now I am missing the beautiful daylight and only yawning awake just as the darkness falls. And the darkness is filled with everything I've tried to put behind me.

Jesus, please come and wake me up again. Show me what I do not see, show me what I am doing through Your eyes. Take my hand and lead me back into the light. Come and get me.