begin at the beginning

I've been inspired by a friend to start writing down my struggle. I don't know if it will help anyone, but I think it will help me to get clarity.

Let me start by saying that I have an addictive personality and a serious lack of self-discipline. I could go into theories about what could have caused these traits in me, but the blame-game and resulting victim mentality are actually kind of counterproductive. So instead, I will just talk about where I am, rather than try to figure out how I got here.

Some of my vices are obvious, some not so obvious. I love food. I especially like salty and sweet carbohydrates. I tend to binge on things like cereal, crackers, pretzels, cookies. When I lived with roommates, I just didn't buy that stuff. Occasionally I would lust after other people's carbs, but generally I kept my hands to myself. Once I added exercise into the mix, I started losing weight, and it felt good.

BUT now I am back living at home in the land of free-flowing carbohydrates... and I can't get enough. I've tried begging my parents not to buy that stuff but they keep saying "You just need to have self-control." So far, that's not working. I still exercise, so the overall effect on my weight is not very noticeable, but it is creeping back slowly. It's only a matter of time. Eating back every calorie I burn (and more!) is not only pointless, it's dangerous. If I stay at this size, the physical activity that stands between me and Jabba-hood will eventually get too hard for my joints. Exercise alone is not enough.

So what do I do? How do I stare down that box of wheat thins and say "You Don't Own Me!" when I really feel like they do? When I open the cupboard and see those colorful containers, I have a bodily reaction similar to that of an alcoholic surveying assorted bottles of booze. Food is a drug to me.

The addiction in and of itself is a problem, but the greater issue is that it stands between me and what God wants for me. I know He has big plans for me, plans which require me to be healthy. Yet I feel powerless against food!

So, that's where I am. Sigh.