So, church was amazing today. During worship I felt really light and free. It took me a minute to figure out what was different. Guess what it was? The guilt is GONE!
Today is day five of a new part of this journey. My brother texted me on Tuesday to invite me to join him in tracking our weightloss journeys on myfitnesspal.com. I already had an account from a previous attempt, so within minutes I was onboard, logging my calories, exercise, and weight.
I can't even explain the difference in just five days. Don't get me wrong- I haven't lost like 5 pounds or anything. The change is my attitude! The simple act of keeping track has thrown open the doors and invited me to enjoy food again. I don't feel guilt for what I eat, but I do PAY ATTENTION. If it's not worth the calories, I don't eat it! It's not rocket science, I know, but it is a major breakthrough nonetheless. Setting limits gives me freedom! Now where have I heard that principle before...?
I also watched Tangled last night for the first time, and was struck by the King waiting for his long lost daughter for EIGHTEEN years, sending multitudes of brilliant sky lanterns out each year on her birthday in the hopes that they would guide her home. Realizing that this is how God feels about ME almost brought me to tears. He so desperately wants me to leave these chains of addiction behind and run to Him!
This is the first Sunday in a long time where I have felt unchained. I stood with my heart lifted as the worship washed over me, with nothing held back from my Savior.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Saturday, September 10, 2011
sweets & magic numbers
So I made a bet with a friend that I could give up sweets if she could give up chips for one month. This occurred after I ate two cupcakes AND two pieces of pizza in a span of maybe 30 minutes... I agreed to the bet without much thought, because I don't think of myself as a major sweets-eater.
Boy, was I wrong! I am realizing that I crave sweets... After every meal, after eating something salty, I start to think about sweet things. It's not necessarily chocolate or cupcakes, but anything that hits that taste sense! It could even be PB&J (PB is a whole other category of craving... let's just say it is *banned* from this house). Luckily, we have a lot of fruit and yogurt, which are exempt from my sweets restriction. Nonetheless, I did stare at a jar of jam for a good five minutes tonight, debating where it would fall on the food pyramid. I said "If it has High Fructose Corn Syrup (HCFS) in in, it counts as sugar and I will not have any." I looked at the label, and sure enough: the second ingredient was HCFS. Come on, Smuckers! Throw me a bone! I will admit, though, I took a little taste anyway... I think maybe it fermented during the hurricane power outage.
It's interesting that this bet is coming after I publicly declared I would lose 10% of my body weight by December 15. A few friends committed to attempt the same. So far, we've all said "LET'S DO IT!" but I'm not sure how many of us have actually started to do anything. I did a bit more exercise this week than I have been doing (certainly not the three miles every morning I USED to do), and also I have tried to start playing Just Dance 2 every day on the Wii (great arm workout!). But my eating... still just as disordered.
Maybe that's what led me to watch an episode of My (Extra)ordinary Family on ABC, featuring people who have food issues: anorexics as well as overeaters. It was interesting how interrelated these two conditions were when you really look at them. Control and fear play major parts. However, the thing that struck me most was the treatment for these folks: a 12 Step program similar to AA. So I wondered what those twelve steps might be. Overeaters Anonymous uses this list:
---
Umm, wow! Talk about serious, deep stuff. So deep that I am stepping back to think: how much do I want this? Magic numbers are so much easier-- ten percent of my weight, a size twelve (which will take MUCH more than a 10% loss, incidentally), a BMI that ranks me as JUST overweight and not any other horrifying term (morbidly what??). BUT who am I kidding? There is nothing magic about numbers. Reaching any of those goals won't make me happy or satisfied. BUT falling into His arms, as described by the 12 magic-free steps above, just might finally stop the craving.
Boy, was I wrong! I am realizing that I crave sweets... After every meal, after eating something salty, I start to think about sweet things. It's not necessarily chocolate or cupcakes, but anything that hits that taste sense! It could even be PB&J (PB is a whole other category of craving... let's just say it is *banned* from this house). Luckily, we have a lot of fruit and yogurt, which are exempt from my sweets restriction. Nonetheless, I did stare at a jar of jam for a good five minutes tonight, debating where it would fall on the food pyramid. I said "If it has High Fructose Corn Syrup (HCFS) in in, it counts as sugar and I will not have any." I looked at the label, and sure enough: the second ingredient was HCFS. Come on, Smuckers! Throw me a bone! I will admit, though, I took a little taste anyway... I think maybe it fermented during the hurricane power outage.
It's interesting that this bet is coming after I publicly declared I would lose 10% of my body weight by December 15. A few friends committed to attempt the same. So far, we've all said "LET'S DO IT!" but I'm not sure how many of us have actually started to do anything. I did a bit more exercise this week than I have been doing (certainly not the three miles every morning I USED to do), and also I have tried to start playing Just Dance 2 every day on the Wii (great arm workout!). But my eating... still just as disordered.
Maybe that's what led me to watch an episode of My (Extra)ordinary Family on ABC, featuring people who have food issues: anorexics as well as overeaters. It was interesting how interrelated these two conditions were when you really look at them. Control and fear play major parts. However, the thing that struck me most was the treatment for these folks: a 12 Step program similar to AA. So I wondered what those twelve steps might be. Overeaters Anonymous uses this list:
---
1. We admitted we were powerless over food — that our lives had become unmanageable.---
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Umm, wow! Talk about serious, deep stuff. So deep that I am stepping back to think: how much do I want this? Magic numbers are so much easier-- ten percent of my weight, a size twelve (which will take MUCH more than a 10% loss, incidentally), a BMI that ranks me as JUST overweight and not any other horrifying term (morbidly what??). BUT who am I kidding? There is nothing magic about numbers. Reaching any of those goals won't make me happy or satisfied. BUT falling into His arms, as described by the 12 magic-free steps above, just might finally stop the craving.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)