realism

So, I finally lowered my expectations regarding weight loss goals... at least on MFP. The app has this goal setter that allows you to choose how much weight you want to lose per week. Naturally, I set it to the highest it would go: -2 lbs per week, because I thought my body could handle it.

Truth is, my body totally could handle eating 1800 calories a day. If I ate all the right things, I would not starve or even be hungry much. BUT I'm not doing that. I'm eating fairly healthy things in large portions, and occasionally stuffing my face with junk. I thought I could keep myself accountable by entering everything I ate. When I reached my daily calorie limit, I rolled eaten calories over onto the next day, hoping to make up the difference with exercise/restricted eating. The reality? I've been going into each day with a decreasing number of calories, because of the debt that is accumulating. The exercise makes me hungry, and I end up eating more calories.

It's a vicious cycle, as you can see. So what can I do? For starters, I told MFP I want to lose 1 lb per week. My new calorie limit seems more manageable. And I have decided that I will not enter any exercise I do, so I will not receive "extra calories". Instead, all of that will go into the deficit bank, which will hopefully translate to weight loss.

What are your thoughts on these lowered expectations? Am I just giving in to my own desires? Or am I being realistic?

PS: I contacted the dance team regarding their invitation... We'll see!

lost and found

I finally found it. The thing I've been looking for since chapter one of Made to Crave: my want-to, my reason for getting healthy and not eating "veggie" chips by the pound. I thought my want-to would be something huge like a marathon or profound like a 40 day fast, so maybe that's why I missed it the first time around.

It's really quite simple: He has asked me to dance. More like, He continually asks me, usually during worship at church. I wave my arms but that's as far as I'll go. Anything else is outside of the comfort zone and into the only-skinny-girls-can-do-that zone.

Now it's  2am and I'm wide awake because He asked me to dance and for the first time I said yes. I started Gungor's "This is not the end" and began flailing wildly around my room. In doing that, my want-to began to stir. 

Dancing at this weight is, well, tough. And God wants it to be natural and comfortable and beautiful, like He created it. He wants ME to be natural and comfortable and beautiful in my own skin, like He created ME.

A month or two ago I was asked to join the dance team at church and I turned it down while laughing out loud. But now I think maybe that was my Savior asking in a different voice.

Yes, Lord, I want to dance with You. Never stop asking.

traditions, tracking, and trying

The holidays have drawn to a close with the dawn of 2012, and I wanted to reflect on traditions a little. I have attended a particular New Year's party three out of the past four years, and they have a fascinating tradition called the "Throwing of the Eggs". This involves a couple dozen eggs, several sharpie markers, and thoughtful reflection from the party guests. Each attendee chooses something they want to leave behind going into the new year, scrawls it on an egg, and lobs it at a trashcan lid nailed to a tree. Writing the names of spouses is strongly discouraged.

I cannot express how much I love this tradition. I have been making resolutions for years, and they always go out the window by February, sometimes even by January 2nd. Somehow, though, the egg throwing does it for me. I think and prayerfully consider before I choose my item(s), and then the act of throwing it at a tree somehow seals it. When later I am faced with that particular thing, be it a struggle or temptation, I literally think "BUT I WROTE THAT ON THE EGG!" and it works. That memory is enough.

This year I wrote two difficult items and one easy one. My easy one was "alcohol" because it's doctor's orders and I don't like it all that much anyway. My difficult ones were comfort eating and backbiting. These two might be the most difficult ones I have ever attempted.

For example, its been eight days, and I lost count of how many times I have faced backbiting. It's everywhere, especially in an all-female workplace. In making an effort not to participate/initiate, I am that much more aware of how much it happens! This is going to be a tough one.

The comfort eating one will also be interesting. I am excited to leave behind my unhealthy eating response to unhappy events. However, I have already caught myself saying "I'm not upset so this Rice Krispie orgy doesn't count as comfort eating." And what about period binges? Is it comfort eating when I use chocolate to quell the raging menstrual beast? Try telling that to my uterus.

Honestly, I think the resolution would work if I were tracking, but lately I haven't been. I balk every time I look at the myfitnesspal app. I can't explain why, but the feelings are a mixture of hopelessness and frustration. I am beginning to suspect more and more that mfp is not really helping my eating habits, because I still make unhealthy choices and be within my calorie range (though I'm often not). That's not the app's fault, though; it's mine. Ultimately, the choices are still mine, regardless of whether I track.

So I just pawed through my stack of books and found Made to Crave. I might as well begin at the beginning again.