guilt free

So, church was amazing today. During worship I felt really light and free. It took me a minute to figure out what was different. Guess what it was? The guilt is GONE!

Today is day five of a new part of this journey. My brother texted me on Tuesday to invite me to join him in tracking our weightloss journeys on myfitnesspal.com. I already had an account from a previous attempt, so within minutes I was onboard, logging my calories, exercise, and weight.

I can't even explain the difference in just five days. Don't get me wrong- I haven't lost like 5 pounds or anything. The change is my attitude! The simple act of keeping track has thrown open the doors and invited me to enjoy food again. I don't feel guilt for what I eat, but I do PAY ATTENTION. If it's not worth the calories, I don't eat it! It's not rocket science, I know, but it is a major breakthrough nonetheless. Setting limits gives me freedom! Now where have I heard that principle before...?

I also watched Tangled last night for the first time, and was struck by the King waiting for his long lost daughter for EIGHTEEN years, sending multitudes of brilliant sky lanterns out each year on her birthday in the hopes that they would guide her home. Realizing that this is how God feels about ME almost brought me to tears. He so desperately wants me to leave these chains of addiction behind and run to Him!

This is the first Sunday in a long time where I have felt unchained. I stood with my heart lifted as the worship washed over me, with nothing held back from my Savior.

insulation

Losing weight is actually kind of terrifying. It has taken me many years and at least one failed "relationship" to realize that being fat is safe. It insulates me in more ways than just thermally.

Being fat is an easy excuse for being single. With each pound I lose, I begin to notice my singleness a bit more. I start to think about other characteristics that could repel men, and the list is not short. The failed "relationship" I mentioned occurred at my highest weight and ended because of my personality. That can't exactly be remedied with a strict regimen of diet & exercise.

When I watch romantic comedies, I start to get a little hopeful, even a little envious, until the thought "That only happens to skinny people" pops up and realigns my thinking. It's okay that I don't have a Prince Charming because I'm fat.

So what happens when I reach my goal weight and I'm still single? How then do I justify it to myself and protect my self-esteem? At what point do I have to face the possibility that maybe it's the Crazy that makes men forget my phone number, magically get back together with an ex-girlfriend, or spontaneously move to Asia?

Here's the real kicker, though: my fear of being alone because I'm unlovable is only overshadowed by my fear of falling in love and having my heart shattered... again. So I have TWO emotional reasons to stay fat: to protect my self-image (sounds contradictory, doesn't it?) and to protect my heart from being vulnerable... to be insulated!

But that's not what He wants, so the journey continues.

fasting

My church has called a fast today. Needless to say, I'm not thrilled about fasting because I love food! I haven't eaten since midnight, and I slept til roughly eleven... so true fasting hours so far come to a grand total of a little over three. Pathetic. I know that fasting is a discipline that is supposed to bring you closer to Christ by drawing you away from earthly things. For me it always becomes a battle of the wills. My stomach speaks louder than the holy spirit... pretty much always.
So why am I fasting? Maybe to prove something to myself? To be part of the in-group? Maybe... Notice that neither of these reasons point me to my Maker. But at the same time, I am being faithful to the exhortation of leadership.

The culmination of the fast will be a service tonight to seek breakthrough by pausing from our daily lives. I thought that it meant breakthrough for our church but now I'm wondering if maybe there is a breakthrough waiting for me... freedom from these chains of addiction I've gotten so used to slugging around. Maybe His voice is trying to breakthrough the static and I just need to press pause to hear Him.

Here's hoping...